I don’t really know where to start. Even though I’m only 24, I have no hope for the future and feel like my life is over. Nothing seems to be going right, and each day is so painful. Life is too much for me to handle, and I feel like “living” is just not for me. I want all of this unhappiness to end. I don’t think that I will be able to reach any of my goals, and I have no potential to succeed.
I’ve done so many bad things and have had so many aspects of my life go completely wrong. When I was younger, I at least had a few positive traits (nice person, good student, etc.). I am now a total disgrace, and I don’t even recognize the person that I’ve become.
I don’t know whether or not this is relevant, but I have ADHD and possibly some Asperger related issues (I don’t really agree, but that’s my PDoc’s opinion).
Everything started a few years ago when I got myself into a pretty serious predicament. Instead of going to my parents (I was afraid), I tried to take care of it on my own. This was a huge mistake and one that I regret each day. I ended up deceiving my parents, breaking their trust, and getting caught up in a huge web of lies. I never wanted this to happen, and I feel horrible about it. The pain is so bad to me, and my head pounds all day long with the terrible guilt that I feel. Because of me, my parents have had their lives adversely affected. They’ve lost a substantial amount of their money, been embarrassed multiple times, and have had their credit ruined.
My parents should despise me, but they don’t. My dad has basically said to me that “It’s only money. I want my son. I don’t care about the money.” Unfortunately, I can’t overlook what I’ve done, and I’ll never be able to go through life with all of this guilt. I’m sure there are a lot of parents who wouldn’t have been so forgiving. I’m horrified. I can’t believe everything that I’ve done, and I never wanted to inflict so much damage. I could just cry. All because I’ve always been too afraid to get my parents’ help, I’ve created a huge disaster.
When my parents finally found out about everything in May, I got involuntarily committed for almost 2 weeks. I then spent another 8 days in June when I was readmitted. It’s been a long past few months, and my dad always tells me that “we’ll get through everything.”
The truth is, I don’t think I can do it. I have too many other issues that make it near impossible to ever rectify everything. I wish I could go back in time, but I can’t. I’m not productive at all and probably should be back on ADHD medication. I wish that I could see my PDoc, but I still owe him money. My parents even told me that they would pay for me to see him. They aren’t aware that I still have a balance for past sessions. I’m supposed to be honest at this point, but I still have trouble being upfront. It’s so hard for me to talk with them about certain issues.
I realize that I am in a pretty bad place. I can’t concentrate or focus, no matter what I do. I’ve tried everything, and as I mentioned, I think my only option is to start taking ADHD medication again. It’s the only way I’d be a help to anyone. However, that’s not a possibility until I resolve the issues with my PDoc, which I’ll probably never be able to do. Then if I do start taking medication, I’ll be worried about all of the possible long-term side effects.
No matter which way I turn, I’ll just never be happy. My life is ruined as it is, and I can’t stop dwelling on negativity. I obsess about my health, I worry about getting older, I’m afraid of being alone, I’m afraid of dying, etc. etc. Where does it end? I’m stuck in these horribly bleak thought patterns, and it’s an endless loop. Even if I were to “fix” what I’ve done, I’ll still obsess about it years later. To make it worse, I have no friends, no social interaction, and really nothing positive happening in my life.
I’m sorry for being so pessimistic. I’m just sad that my life has turned out so differently than I ever expected. What purpose could possibly be left for me? I don’t see any hope for positive change and am very doubtful that I could ever move past all of this.
I appreciate any input.