1. Roy Hodgson has set up a friendly match against Iceland to try and cheer fans up. If we beat them then we go on to play Tesco’s and then Sainsbury’s.


  1. A man goes to a brothel and says, ” I have £40 will you humiliate me please.” The Madam replies, “Here put on this England shirt!”



  1. Teacher to class, “What does your Dad do at the Weekends?” A little boy replies, ” He is a dancer at a Gay club, and sometimes, if the money s right, he lets punters ban his a**e. The teacher takes the kid outside, “Is that True?”” No Miss, It’s bollocks. He is the goalkeeper for England, but I am too embarrassed to say.”



  1. The England team went to visit an orphanage in Brazil this morning. “It’s good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible.” said Emilio Di Costa aged 6



  1. The England game will be moved to the Gay Adult TV channel next week as the screening of eleven arse holes being hammered for 90 minutes is considered too explicit for ITV



  1. My girlfriend came home early last night and nearly caught me looking at the England game. Luckily I managed to put porn on and get my c**k out in time to save any embarrassment.


  1. SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:!!! It has been announced that this years shirt sponsor for ENGLAND will be TAMPAX. A spokesman said, ” To sponsor a load of cunts going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about.”



  1. Q: What’s the difference between England and a tea bag?  A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.



  1. Q: What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?  A: A Referee.


  1. Q: Why was Roy Hodgson speeding?  A: To get three points.


  1. Q: Why aren’t the England football team allowed to own a dog?

A: Because they can’t hold on to a lead.

12. Illusionist David Blaine was heartbroken that the record he got for doing nothing in a box for 42 days had been beaten by Wayne Rooney in the 2010 WC.

  1. World Cup 2014, it is just before Brazil VS England in Estadio Do Maracana, an important World Cup game.


Neymar goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.


“What’s up?” he asks.


“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only England. They’re sh*t and we can’t be bothered”.


Neymar looks at them and says “Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub.” (he says in Portuguese).


So Neymar goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows


“Brazil 1 (Neymar 10 minutes) – England 0 ”


He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on” They put the TV on.


“Result from the Estadio Do Maracana : Brazil 1(Neymar 10 minutes) – England 1 (Rooney 89 minutes).”


They can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.


He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down”


“Don’t be stupid, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!”


“No, No, I have, I’ve let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes”


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